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What Was Left out of the BibleAuthor of this text: Bernard Katz
Bible runs the gamut in almost all human virtues and vices. Yet it falls down in
one very important area — that of humor. If we are "made in God's image,"
one might get the impression that God didn't laugh very much. (There are those
who, however, think the creation of the human race was one God's grandest jokes.)
Oh, there are a few puns, a smattering of sarcasms and ironies. But nothing we
moderns can appreciate. To make up for this deficit, let me try my hand at what
the Lord may have had his prophets proclaim in his Holy Scripture.
When Adam met Eve, she said: „Put it there, Big Boy!"
In the Garden of Eden, they did it in reverse ...
Leaf 'em and Love 'em.
Robertson opened one of the Gideon Bibles in a Los Angeles hotel room. On the
front page he read this inscription: „If sick, read Psalm 18. If troubled
about your family, read Psalm 45. If you are lonely, read Psalm 92." He was
lonely, so he opened to Psalm 92 and read it. When through, he noticed on the
bottom of the page the handwritten words: "If you are still lonely, call
Hollywood 573-0328 and ask for Sandra."
A born-again Christian named Claire
having her first love affair.
she climbed into bed
wish to be opened with prayer."
did they prove that Jesus was Jewish?
He lived with his mother until he was 30,
He went into his father's business.
His mother thought he was God,
And he thought his mother was a virgin.
does the Pope take a shower with swimming trunks? He hates to look down on the unemployed.
Jesus is coming. Everybody look busy!
Jesus paid for our sins … now let's get our money's worth.
Lord, save me from your followers!
Revive fertility rites.
The Fundamentalist gene pool could use little chlorine.
The trouble with the Bible is that the covers are too far apart.
Why did God create WASPS? Somebody had to pay retail.
„Had a hard day," complained the backwoods preacher as he sat
down to dinner. "Hadda baptize four adults and six adultersses."
THEIST: A person with both feet planted firmly in the air.
SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited.
TV CHRISTIANITY: Theater of the absurd.
CHURCH: A secular institution in which the half-educated speak to the
LIAR: An atheist who tells the unpleasant truth.
SCHMONK: A Jewish boy who joins a monastery.
Due to the lack of trumpeters, the end of the world has been postponed
The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come again.
The Church is wrong: love is a matter of chemistry, sex a matter of
Sex? The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense
Birth control is avoiding the issue.
The masses are the opium of religion.
Sin now — pray later.
Infants don't have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery.
Don't believe in superstition, it brings bad luck.
No one can be unhappy while eating a bagel.
Two wrongs won't make a right, but three rights will make a left.
You can't be a rationalist in an irrational world. It isn't rational.
Avoid the Christmas rush: convert to Judaism.
How odd of God to choose the Jews.
once was a monk from Siberia,
manners were rather inferior.
did to a nun
shouldn't be done.
now she's a Mother Superior.
was a young choirboy from Devon
was raped in a haystack by seven
Anglican priests (Lascivious beasts)
such is the kingdom of heaven.
He who laughs last has no sense of humor. Do you think the Lord is
in the 2002 November/December issue of the American Rationalist ©.
« Funny (Published: 30-06-2003 Last change: 21-09-2003)
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