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An excerpt from THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF GOD (#1)Author of this text: William Harwood
course, I am insane. How many times do I have to tell you that? The mythologians
created Me were insane, although not all as insane as Jesus, thank Me,
created Me in their own image. If I was not insane, or my worshipers
insane, I would not have survived Satan's invention of the scientific
discipline of history.
in the nineteenth century of the Christian era. Historians had already
to compare statements in alleged nonfiction with facts known from other
sources, and where the two were incompatible to expose the alleged
as nothing of the sort. That technique, plus the detection of
enabled them to expose Geoffrey of Monmouth's Chronicle
Kings of Britain, long
sixth-century history, as in fact a twelfth-century historical novel.
believe that Geoffrey had King Arthur's father, lusting after Arthur's
chase her into Tintagel Castle in Cornwall six hundred years before
Castle was built?
persuaded a small group of historians to apply their newly perfected
to the Judaeo-Christian Bible. And he taught them the additional
searching for pairs of statements that contradicted each other and
could not both be true.
when published, terrified Me and terrified the pope. The Bible
one thousand pairs of mutually exclusive statements, and therefore
least one thousand lies even if no others were present. It contained
anachronisms, such as a mention of Alexander the Great by an author who
allegedly lived more than two centuries before Alexander's birth. It
hundreds of prophecies that the historians showed to have been already
fulfilled at the time of writing, always accompanied by prophecies of
future that failed to be fulfilled.
the anonymous author of Mark prophesied the destruction of my temple in
Jerusalem, which happened in 70 CE, not a difficult feat for a man
73 CE. But he then went on to prophesy Jesus' return visit no later
reign of the emperor Hadrian. He seems to have been delayed.
frantic. „What can I do?" he wailed. „We’ll be destroyed. There
must be some way to rebut them."
your own historians," I advised him in a dream. "Make sure they're
all card-carrying Catholics who never miss Sunday mass and go to
least several times a year. Tell them to examine the evidence the
have uncovered, and find the simple mistake the historians made that
to their false conclusions.
pope followed my direction. He
appointed a group of Catholic historians to examine the Bible with
faith, and find the true explanation for its apparent inconsistencies.
that a mistake!
historians confirmed the findings of the secular historians. The
Judaeo-Christian Bible was pure fiction, written by authors who
one another, authors who believed in a flat earth and a solid domed
authors who correctly prophesied the past but failed miserably whenever
attempted to prophesy the future, authors who guessed, fantasized or
order to make a point, and authors who credited Me with whatever action
felt they would have taken in my place.
historians gave him their report. Realizing that he was certain to
they also leaked it to the press. Then, without exception, they at some
the next three or four years declared that they had ceased to be
Christianity is totally dependent on the veracity of its Bible, and
had proven beyond the last shred of doubt that the Bible was fiction,
recognize that for their Bible to be a hoax, their religion must also
be a hoax. The pope was devastated. Facing instant unemployment, or worse,
considered killing himself. But I gave him an alternative.
the methodology of history refutes the Bible," I told him, "what we
have to do is invent a new methodology that can be used to prove the
Instead of starting with the evidence and following wherever it leads,
historians do, we start by determining what conclusions we're going to
and then make the evidence fit those conclusions. We can call the new
methodology theology, 'knowledge of God', and get the
give degrees in it and tout it as a discipline every bit as respectable
course," I warned, "we have to be careful that the new methodology is
never applied to any book but the Bible. If it's applied to Alice in
the memoirs of Graf von Munchausen,
it'll show all of them to be nonfiction, and we don't want that to
that's a risk we have to take. Unless every time a historian proves
that a biblical story is fiction, we can produce a theologian to prove it's
fiction, we're both dead. Don't worry. I know this will work."
it did. I am very proud of theology. It requires that its practitioners be
the methodology used not only by historians but also all scientists. It
demands that they have the stubborn, inflexible gullibility and mental
dysfunction for which P.T. Barnum would have beaten a path to their
it saved the Christian church. It saved Me-worship. To this day, when
mindless masses hear that a scholar with a doctoral degree in history
the Judaeo-Christian Bible to be a demonstrable fraud, and an alleged
with a doctoral degree in divinity declares it to be revealed truth,
the situation as a dispute between equals that cannot be settled one
way or the
other. So they go on believing the one that offers pie in the sky when
Barnum: There's a Me-worshiper born every minute.
Autobiography of God can be
ordered from Xlibris.com or by special order from any bookstore. The
first excerpt from Dr. Harwood's The
Autobiography of God was published in the 2000 March/April issue
of the American
« Funny (Published: 15-03-2004 )
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